Hi, so several of you have asked about the juice cleanse Jeff and I just did. It was an adventure, a bonding experience and a little awful all at the same time– and as you know, my schtick is being a wild truth teller, so here goes.
This was not my first time around proverbial the juice block, as I attempted such a cleanse 1 year and 4 months ago– actually the precise day that I met my Jeff was day two of that attempt. I tried to focus on maintaining my “normal” through a fog of hunger induced haze– which at that precise moment meant participating in the United Way training we were attending and also not looking like an idiot in front of this super hot guy. Apparently I am either VERY attractive while in a state of reduced caloric intake or I am an astounding actress. Let’s split the difference, yes?
That time, I abandoned ship on day two because I felt like total shit, nor did I have a buddy to text in the middle of the day to whine about it, or text about bathroom etiquette at work whilst engaging in said cleanse (keep reading). Also, it was like 4 days before my period was to start and if there’s ever a time to NOT do a cleanse… well.
So this time, when my dashingly handsome and exceedingly kind boyfriend was all “I want a kick start to my health, I want to do a juice cleanse” I was like “I totally am going to block out how horrifically terrible it was that other time and start Googling 2-for-1 specials right actually, immediately now.” Cause that’s the kind of gal I am. You need a partner for a wild adventure? Juice cleanse? Half marathon? Cliff diving in Zimbabwe? Kate is IN. I am a ride or die kinda partner.
We looked at calendars, we planned, we ordered, we texted each other to track our little package of nutritional goodness as it made it’s way to SC. We were going to cleanse, be zen and probably find way more inner peace after all that flax, bee pollen and kale, we just KNEW it. Also, we were going to SO DO THIS TOGETHER.
The box arrived and we went through and made sure we knew which order to drink them in, even grabbed a sharpie and numbered the bottles to be 100% true to our little 3 days of partnered health bliss.
The following, my friends, is what ensued.
Look how cute and unassuming we are. We slept in super late– like almost 11, which in my life is UNHEARD of and also pushed us like 5 further hours into the day’s eating schedule than a typical day in my life… We drank juice every two hours, comparing how each tasted (“the almond milk based one is SUPER yum, the beet based one, NOT SO MUCH, ick can you taste all that celery? High five babe, we’re awesome!”). We watched movies and then laid in the grass and listened to music on shared earbuds. It was good to be lazy and a little hungry, but in it together. I mean, Sundays are for lying around anyway. In the evening, we packed up my juices so I could take them home– and I briefly thought, “ick, this won’t be as fun without you right here and all the laying around while the kids are at their Dad’s…” But we totally gave each other a fist bump and a “YOU GOT THIS TEAM!” and I went on my merry way. I went to bed a little hungry but not totally starving and super into the fact that we were on a shared mission. I love a good cause.
Day 2 started off with optimism and joy, partially because I had weighed myself and was down FOUR ENTIRE POUNDS. I threw on my kicky unicorn and pegasus dress with glee in my heart, packed my little lunch cooler and bounded to work like a toddler with a new toy. And then I got to work where I realized I was a little hungry. Ok, a lot hungry. And then I drank the second juice of the day, which is where the supportive text messaging became key because of what immediately followed.
I won’t go into further detail, but let’s just say that if you are going to engage in a juice cleanse with a partner, be very, very sure you are comfortable with your bodily functions. I mean, we happen to share a love of middle school humor, so it worked out, but consider yourself warned if, perhaps, you have a more sensitive constitution than I.
I made it through the work day, though briefly debated whether I should be driving a car when I felt so NOT ME– kind of like floating, but also very focused, which is an odd combination– and made it home in time to totally crash on the couch. I could not work out or do much, but I did walk the dog with what energy remained… and then I got hangry. Like, I was not a nice human. It was quick, the snap, and I decided F ALL THIS I NEED AN EGG. So I made an egg. And by egg, I mean an egg sandwich cause what is an egg if not smushed in a hug between a whole wheat bagel and a piece of cheddar cheese.
What’s interesting is that it tasted good, but not like as GOOD as I thought it would. The cleanse definitely did something to my cravings and desire for heavy food. Ok, fine.
I went to bed not starving and ready to make it through the final day.
My little egg-venture included a half pound regained– touche juice cleanse. Day 3 brought more of a sense of realism, that in fact, our brains require more than 350 calories per day to function effectively and I decided to throw on some lipstick to mask the fact that I was likely becoming anaemic. But, away I went to work, this time armed with an emergency banana and a PB & J, just in case. What I will say, is that today felt less bad. My body was certainly adjusting and there were fewer cravings. I felt a little more able to concentrate and knowing it was the last day helped. That didn’t stop me from being a little bit grumpy about the whole affair, though more informed about what my day would possibly hold.
Tomorrow morning, I will wake up and do a final weigh-in. My guess is that the tacos I am about to eat for dinner will probably put back on the entire 3.5 lbs I lost. Also, this might be the exact wrong life choice to make immediately following a cleanse, but like I said, I am a RIDE OR DIE type gal, and when it’s Taco Tuesday, you go all in.
Overall, on the plus side, I feel like my skin and eyes look brighter (could be the near-starvation, hard to tell), it was way fun to do this with a buddy, and I do think it re-wired my cravings for sugar and carbs a bit.
The downside is that I did not get to go to spin class (which makes me feel badass) nor enjoy ice cream for dessert with my boys last night, which really, in the grand scheme of life, is what it’s about.
Would I do it again? Maybe.
Right now? Tacos, por favor!